DAY 13

I was looking on the point of moving ….I mean when You have to change your place were you live now…,….I am in the process now of moving ,of changing the place were I live . 

I want, to  see and realize, how I did experience this point,….and lets have a look from beginning, from my childhood.

    When I was a child living in this old way, in old country, it was so normal ,that people stay  in one place,when generation ,after generation stay in the same house ,……I mean yes!!some people move ,some stay …,but really you can trace the generation back and people .

   Also mostly the people know each other (….as much  you can know another person….,of course there were many conflicts between people ……,but generally everybody knew each other and with that came sort of familiarity ,security and stability with living..).

When I was a child I felt so happy being in my home ..,in my garden…,with animals …,with my grandma…..,and really I did not like to travel……,I mean I never understood ,why somebody  want to go to other places,because from my perspective as a child …so  many things happen around me ,..like every  day , I notice changing in flowers …,different birds …., different  insects  and there were so  many activities with my grandma ,….some things it has to  be done at  regular schedule …,but  some activities were different  ….like very small differences  …….and in this I felt in my element ,were I can learn and see so many new things happened  every  day in my yard  and perfect the activities I already  know.I was in heaven!!!!

Now I can see how I did create the big polarity between how, I used to live as a child and how I live now……and actually,  I really  never felt this belonginess , after I move out….  move out  and not to another house , or another city ….,but another country ... so far away.

And from that point I always felt like I am living very temporarily ,..like this is the faze to be  for now …..,but is going to  be better one day….,one day I will feel this belonginess ,..when  I felt in childhood.

Writing this now, I can see how I miss life being in constant comparison  ,comparison  from a childhood memory ..,never even questioning  the memory of the childhood , ……not seeing that  I miss  so  much of now .

So I try to write some self forgiving points on  that:

1.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself ,to not being stable in my physicality now ,because I keep alive  the memory of my childhood.

2.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself ,to  make in my mind the memory of my childhood more then it was.

3.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself,  to never stop this comparison from childhood ,to never accept the life of now ,to not let go of this dreamy life of my childhood ,to not seeing for what it was .

4.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself ,for  not taking self responsibility of living in now,, in  this moments ,but constantly creating this comparison between now and then…..so  really never fully participate in life.

5.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself, to take for granted the life of now ,because I exist so much in memory of my childhood.

6.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself to just creating this personality of just passing by ,..for waiting for some big experience ,totally dismiss  the chance I have now … which is chance to change Me with every breath ,with every move .

7.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself, making the memory of the mind ..,so important ,that I abdicate my responsibility  of living in the now.

8.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself ,to  keep this memory of my childhood ,like a safety  place that , I can visit in my mind ,  were I use this memory  like a escape moment for me ,when life in present  is not that great or not that happy . 

9.I forgive myself to accept and allowed myself ,to never  investigate why do I need this memory  of perfect childhood alive , 

why do I use to escape reality and self responsibility of NOW.

10.I commit myself to stop this escaping from real life ,to stay  here with breath and physical movement.

11.I commit myself to stay in the present moment even ,when reality is not that perfect ,to not abdicate my responsibility ,but to investigate more on what can I do ,in this physical reality ,so I do not have to escape to my  memory.

12. I realize that the memory of my childhood is my past ,it is done ,and now is the present and in this present moment I breathe and move in physical reality.

Thank You for reading!!!!